Hello dear ones, I am still alive. It’s been awhile. I have indeed been in another world. It’s called morning sickness hell. I’m nearing the end of my 12th week of pregnancy. So I’ve finally got some updates and hey, even a few words of wisdom…or something like that. Here it goes.
So above you can see my lil song bird’s picture. I adore this baby inside of me, but I hate pregnancy…atleast thus far. There’s over 8 yrs between this and my last pregnancy. We were labeled infertile. So this lil one is a miracle. Over the course of my infertile years I dealt with failed fertility treatments and a failed adoption. I spent the hardest years fantasizing about pregnancy. I bought baby clothes as a hobby. My sims had big families and I smiled and thought “How cute!” when the lil avatar threw up in the toilet. Sim morning sickness only lasts a day. I was sick and depressed during my first pregnancy. My Mom took care of me while my husband was deployed. No, that won’t be me next time, I told myself. If I ever get pregnant again I will cherish every second. Even if I’m sick, I’ll just push on. I’ll force myself to get out of the bed. I’ll take medicine and eat crackers if I get sick. I can sooo do this again. I pictured me, all aglow, still doing everything as if I wasn’t pregnant. Yep, I’d keep a clean house, cook homemade meals, and school my son like normal. Somebody go back in time and slap me, please!I
I am super thankful that I didn’t get pregnant all the times I begged for it. I can’t imagine throwing up 24/7 while taking care of a toddler. I know some moms do it well but not me. Some women have easy pregnancies. My sister has mostly been like that. This has not been my lot though. Bad morning sickness, low thyroid, and a surprise biopsy have been my lot. In a couple days I’m being checked for a lump in my abdomen. Just call me “Lumpy”.
The toilet and the bed have been my best friends. Even my mom barely knows me these days. I’m a recluse. My house is a mess but my husband does his best, while he juggles school and work too. I don’t cook or clean. I heave. I haven’t been taking care of my 8 yr old. He takes care of me. Seriously, Michael is wonderful at making toast and hot tea. I haven’t been to church or really anywhere. I’m starting to feel like a heathen. And as fun as watching reruns on Netflix is, I hate living this way. I actually WANT to clean my house.
Yes, I’m probably going insane. Maybe it’s the uncontrollable crying, and the hormonal fits of rage if I don’t get some dang Cocoa Puffs. Seriously, when I’m have a craving I will kill for it. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad. But I did have evil thoughts when my hubby made me wait a night and half a day for that chocolatey goodness. And he just lay there sleeping soundly while I was suffering with the worst case of insomnia…grrr. Cravings aren’t as bad as the aversions though. Just thinking about McDonalds make me want to vomit. Hello, I used to know the cashier there by name! I am changing into something unhuman….no, something un-Amber. Pretty soon I’ll be howling at the moon! My guys are probably scared of me but I’ve assured Michael that mommy won’t always be so mean.
Anywho, so my expectations were not realistic. I am happy now though. I’m eating my fourth bowl of Cocoa Puffs and it feels so good to be able to eat. I’ve lost a lot of weight from this ordeal. I need to pack on the pounds so the neighbors don’t mistake me for the Halloween skeleton. As horrible as this all sounds and as much as pregnancy stinks for me, I have had plenty of time to reflect on my life. I’ve decided to hang up my super woman cape. I’m coming to grips with reality and it’s starting to be okay…
You see, things weren’t perfect on the other side of the fence. I played the part of Super Mom/Woman very well. For several weeks, I mourned hanging up my cape. I missed how I used to “do it all”, how everything had it’s place and time. True, we’ve had some awesome times, but I know now that everying “I” did was because God gave me the strength and mental ability to do so. It didn’t take much to completely reduce me to a bedridden grouch. I wasn’t very joyful as Super Woman. Honestly, I was stressed and angry. My theme song was “Human” by Christina Perri. I went around lamenting that “I’m only human!”. I was mad that I was juggling everything, and most of it came out on my husband.
Something happened when I got sick. I didn’t have the energy to juggle. My husband had to take up the slack. For the first time in ten years of marriage, my hubby really started taking care of me. He brought me roses and gave me a foot rub. I quite enjoy my daily foot rub. It’s not paradise though. Things pile up quickly and it’s getting stressful for my hubby to do everything. My prayer is for middle ground. I don’t want to go back to doing it “all”. I think it’s good for my guys to do more. But I want to do some things too. I miss all the time I spent with Michael. He’s played way too many video games lately. I miss my own cooking. I appreciate my husband’s efforts but watching him try to cook a full course meal is stressful. I miss my version of cleanliness. I miss church. I miss driving to Walmart anytime I feel like it. I miss my friends. Pampering isn’t that fun when you feel like crap. I’m ready to start living.
I know that life won’t ever be the same. Homeschooling may never be the same. My blog will probably change. Heck, who knows how I’m gonna parent baby # 2. I have plans for trying different methods…cloth diapers, unmedicated child birth, breast feeding longer, and baby wearing. But if all those plans fly out the window I know I’ll still be a good mommy with God’s help. I won’t ever be perfect. I never was. I just thought I was “super”. I wasn’t. My God is the only super one.
Before I found out I was pregnant, I was doing a Bible study on the book of Daniel. There’s a story in there (Chp 4) about Nebuchadnezzar. He was a Babylonian king who thought he was the stuff because Babylon was a great city. He didn’t recognize that God had given him everything. Because Neb boasted and idolized himself, God took away his sanity for 7 years. The man left his palace and roamed the wilderness like an animal. When the 7 years were up, Neb humbled himself and recognized God as the sovereign over the kingdoms. Neb was only king because God allowed him to be. Neb’s kingdom was then given back to him.
I feel like I’ve had a Nebuchadnezzar experience. My insanity has been pregnancy, but I pray that things are starting to get better. I’ve still got pride issues but I’m a work in progress. Praise God, pregnancy doesn’t last seven years! 😉
- Weeks before I got pregnant, we gave our hens away to my friend Erin. They are very happy in their new home. It would’ve been so hard to take care of them at this time. Thanks Erin for being a blessing!
- A week ago our guinea pig Snowball went back to the pet shop. We had no time to give her the attention she needed. Hey! More room for the new baby :).
- My big sister will be having her baby boy any day now. I can’t wait to meet my nephew. My Mom is thrilled to have an abundance of grandchildren!
- The ultrasound tech gave us a hint on the gender of our lil song bird. I’m not telling though, not until we know for sure. Chris and I are still haggling over names. Yeah, we had 8 years to think of names, but all those don’t feel right anymore. Back to the drawing board.
- The baby is very healthy. I’m not throwing up as much so maybe I will be too someday soon. My baby is super active and puts on a good show. I love my lil song bird.
- My best buddy Hannah wants to throw me a shower and she’s going to be my doula. She’s given birth completely natural twice and she’s a La Leche league leader, so I’m in good hands. I’m still confused about cloth diapers. Hannah is like a stinkin’ cloth diaper genius. Maybe I should buy a doll and practice.
- I’m loving the midwives I see. So far my experience has been ten times better than my prenatal care my first pregnancy. The midwife works with the hospital so I should be giving birth at the hospital….just unmedicated. I’ve been told this hospital is like a nice hotel.
- My hubby graduates in May, Lord willing. Pretty soon he will be applying for jobs. Please keep us in your prayers. Our lives are changing dramatically.
- I’m not sure when this blog will get to some form of normal. I’ve had a few ideas floating around. We’ll just have to see. If you’re still subscribed, I thank you. That encourages me to continue.
- My book…hmm. This was supposed to be the year of the book. It looks like the year of the baby instead. My book is still important to me. Family comes first though. My NaNoWriMo plans will depend on my health and sanity.
- Crafts and homeschooling…yeah, one day at a time. Our school may not be as hands on as it used to be. Still, I’m sure I’ll have something to share every now and then.
Thanks again for reading. Hopefully I’ll write again soon. God bless and remember the High King lives! ~Amber Dover
PS: We actually did some pretty kewl things for our Summer bucketlist before I got pregnant. Although it’s Fall, maybe I’ll get around to posting those adventures. We’ll see…